Chappers Mind - Blog - Double Banger

Chappers Blog 22/02/07 Oh glorious Thursday oh how we love you. No matter how much crap the world throws at us Thursdays just keep coming round. I’ve been stuffed out of site with reports to write this week, Steve has more windows on a deadline, Bod has a day off but is still doing work at home, Gra has gone blind from looking at so much porn, Coll has been on a rush job, Dex hasn’t had much time to tweak the web site and Rob had to fire his butler for failing to polish his shoes. It is therefore a relief for us all that Thursday comes quickly. Up the Standard tonight. I refuse to call it the Royal Standard cause the Queen wouldn’t be seen dead there. Pushing our way through the oxymoron that is a ladies darts team we order lots of Guinness, Lager and 6X. Bod is still late as he hasn’t finished his homework and having sacked his butler Rob has had to stay home to interview replacement staff. This is good news for Captain Clarky who would have otherwise been forced to play irrelevant. The opposition are keen or we are late as they quickly zero in on us, toss up and put themselves on. We talk shop then agree that Skittlers wives and girlfriends feature is a goer (SWAGS) while we wait to get underway. Lets here the boys Roar as we need another win to keep pushing up the table away from the relegation zone. Leaving the smog of the public bar we head to the alley. Sadly we can’t leave the dodgy soundtrack behind as the music is being pumped into the alley. So to the rhythm of my old mans a dustman Col gets things underway. I chuck my first ball that between you and me I thought was going through but it hit nicely and I made a 9. Steve struggles for 5, Bod still hasn’t arrived, Gra is big and bouncy and barely manages to touch the alley with his ball and Dex is out of sorts as its not a roll over. Bod when he bothers to show needs 12 to tie the first hand. Down but not out we head to the deluxe-carpeted end for beer and cards. Now chase the ace can take its time when Bods here but tonight even without him we are gonna struggle. The designs on the cards are interesting to say the least and the pictures make it difficult to see the suits and numbers so we have to keep looking hard to see what they are. Pictures of a three legged lady, a rabbit, some kitchen utensils and someone playing blind man bluff are not conducive to speed cards. We have only just finished the 1st hand when Bod arrives and we are on again. Out to the alley and we have our work cut out as they haven’t done badly and to be fair they get the award for the neatest blackboard chalkmanship this season. It’s easy when you’re putting up rows of 7& 8s. I try and get some atmosphere going buy clap chanting like they do at football. Daa Daa Daa Daa Daa Liquor N Poker. It doesn’t catch on immediately so I persist and Hyder soon picks it up. Coll is that moved he hits 1. Yep that’s a big fat 1. I manage 8 (missed a spare chance) but the damage is done that hand. Please understand I am not blameless here as on the third hand I only manage 3 and again the damage was done. Bod tries to improve his breathing technique by picking fluorescent bogies prior to skittling. Hyder dances to Pass the Duchy on the left hand side and Dex is pulled out of the doldrums with a small side bet. We are 12 down in total and Coll’s 1 won him the Scratchings. Nobbys nuts (10 of Hearts) are on display in the bar and Coll purchases them along with assorted crisps for the staving masses. We play Bustard brag and are so engrossed with the game don’t have much time other than to keep a close eye on the cards. We have a small interruption when we are bullied by the darts ladies to buy raffle tickets. I refuse as I had a bad experience at the Pickety Witch where I won a lilac hairbrush set but Bod parts with his cash as any win will do for Sadie’s upcoming birthday present. Back in the alley we play our jokers on the board just like It’s a knockout. We are a second half team and though we are down I feel no nerves. Even the music which is something old to do with running bear loving little white dove cant stop us and I pick up with the clap chanting. We are doing better and then Bod gets his flopper out (7 of clubs). Bang spare on, game on and the crowd go wild for 16. Col Celebrates his own spare by happy slapping Hyder’s 6 pack. We are smashing the pins down ball after ball and even the green green grass of home can’t penetrate (6 of spades) our positive vibes. Bod enjoys a couple in the mouth at the same time (8 of clubs), he says its bubbalicious. Hyder and Coll share mastication tips (3 of diamonds). Tiffany’s I think were alone now plays us out as we complete the biggest comeback since Status Quo, which incidentally comes on next. From 12 down to 12 up. Rocking all over the world. We finish the brag discussing viagra and chocolate starfish then head for the final showdown. 20 to win feels good. Col hits 39 after a good last hand score, me 38 after a dire last hand score, Clarky finishes it off with 46, Bod the fantastic skittler who is probably the fittest, funniest and most good natured player takes 50 for the tote (I didn’t have the £1 tote so promised him a gushing write up in exchange). Hyder hit 41 and Dex 43. Not earth shattering scores but enough to take all the points home. The other side joined us for the last two balls but by then it was already over. We have done the double over these guys but they are still good enough to hang around for the losing team photo call and we are good enough to hang around to eat their food. Funny though how everyone’s appetite for sausage has diminished over the night. Bod has also won in the raffle and has to go and collect his body butter. Again I think we’ve seen enough of that tonight already. Having won the tote and the raffle Bod finishes of his clean sweep by taking on the dodgy playing cards so that’s the last we have seen of them. No sour grapes from Col, Hyder and me but its not till after Big H drops me home in the pouring rain we consider that Bod may have wanted a lift too. Hell you can’t have it all after all.
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Chappers Blog 01/03/07 Pinch punch 1st of the month and all that stuff. For me it’s been the usual 7 days rest between games but for the lads it was a return to league games following a cup defeat earlier in the week. Clarky was still beating himself up about skittling like a girl at the Stoke club and I didn’t help by asking if you still got 25 pins for not turning up. Either way the boys would have lost still so chin up.We can focus on the league battle to avoid relegation. Tonight’s game against fellow relegation strugglers from Merriot is as good a place as any to bounce back from a defeat and to also keep our string of league wins going. We know from the outside that the Armoury is packed as the windows are totally steamed up from all the hot air from the Navy boys inside. Martin the landlord is practicing his own Military term inside i.e. AWOL. Poor Becs is fighting the crowded pumps and is doing admirably especially as she still serves me quickly. Henrys for me and Steve and by the time I have lost a quid on the quiz machine the rest of the gang have arrived. Bod is having the night off which lets Steve in to play despite his 15 earlier in the week. Lord Rob is on the ale again having hired a chauffeur to bring him in from the manor. The opposition went on first and set us a 44 target. A rare visit from some eye candy on the pool table distracts us all for a while as we are trying to discreetly ogle the totty without looking like the old pervs we are fast becoming. One of the ladies has managed to forget to do her shirt up at the back or its on back to front. Even Collett with his Hollyoaked non iron shirt look (that’s Clares excuse anyway he says) isn’t aware of this particular fashion trend. Hyder wants the door between the alley and the pool table opened allegedly so he can have a better run up. Unfortunately after fumbling at the catch (says he doesn’t usually have that problem) he has to call me in to work it out for him. All that flesh has made him frisky so he decided to lick my head whilst I was doing it! Big H then proceeds to playfully slap Neil’s arse before his throw. We are in good form but don’t seem to be getting the rub so only manage 42. Still 2 down is nothing and we is a second half team. We move to the tables for Chase the ace and discuss football, pros and cons of shaving your haven and immigration control. Coll picks up the first win in a final against myself with Dex taking the earliest of early doors. There is a fair bit of cheering coming from the alley but we are not put off our game. We have another task before us in the alley. No not trying to keep up with the opposition score but just trying to survive in the wake of another badass fest from Coll. Two weeks on the trott he’s had the badass accolade and tonight aint no CK One. He believes he would give Gillian ‘you are what you shit’ Mcceaith a run for her money. I question how many movements he has had today and he confesses he he’s been only twice today, half his average, and perhaps we have nailed the problem. After getting more beer cause Coll turned it flat we continue with the Skittles. Coll himself blows away an 8, I struggle with a 4, Clarky picks up, Rob remains steady on 8s (despite the new Kaisers chant of Roby,Roby,Roby), Big H is bowling for England and Dex couldn’t give tuppence as funnily enough there isn’t tuppence riding on it. He has a pocket full of side bets that he is looking after and the thought of all that dosh that he can’t win is off putting for him. Its that bad that he finds himself in spoof for scrathings with me. It last two rounds then I got caught out trying to be bloody clever. I leave to buy the nuts which takes bloody ages. We are five down now but still we are a second half team. Luckily for me despite being gone 10 minutes to buy the scratchings the opposition hadn’t been able to go to the alley as they were stuck in the beer queue themselves. Martin had shown up then run off to the kitchen to prepare our grubbage. When I return to the lads they have been waiting to play brag with one life. To fill the time they have been talking about Hyders Hairy Pannini that he had for dinner whatever that was. The conversation has also focused on the SWAGS progress and web site hits that are at an all time high. I get complaints that the Blog for last week didn’t appear which I deflect on to Neil who deflects on Technology. If you are reading this in the web near to March the 3rd then we have resolved our little glitch. If you are reading this in August then Neil needs to brush up on his techno skills. For some obscure reason OOPS upside your head came on the juke box (could be the navy boys choice) and before you can say Chappers is an exhibitionist I am down on the floor doing coxless pairs with Becs the barmaid rowing my boat for all im worth. This spins off into how come there are so many picutures of Coll at Hyder 18th behind so many different women doing the Row Boat. Interest factoid here but the Row Boat dance is the only one Coll can do using both legs at the same time. Back on the alley for our famed second half improvement. Before I can skittle I need to break the seal. Opening the toilet and finding Hyder already in the middle urinal is one of those worrying moments. Big H is famed for toilet hi jinks and with him in the middle of three you can’t get far away. Luckily for me the toilets had the sort of anti tardis effect as they seem to have shrunk as there was barely enough room for H and me to stand side by side (I would dare suggest that me and my friend are getting more rotund) The novelty of this was enough to keep big H amused and he didn’t need to push me in the drip tray or tuck bog roll in my trousers like an andrex dog as he has been known to in the past. The skittle itself was good but we were become to worry about those missed apare chances and to be fair we all had a few. One good spare was all its was going to take to win this game but sadly it didn’t come in the 4th or 5th and hell it failed to materialize in the 6th and we lost by 4. Bugger. Hyder took a deserved tote and in a weird twist of fate Dex who beat me in the spoof off lost to me where it mattered on the alley and is possibly dropped next week by 1 pin. Martin did us proud and put on a decent pie and chip spread to repay the Merriot boys who we have bestowed best away grub title upon. They went home with 2 points and full bellys. We went home hoping there are still enough games to make it to safety.

Thursday, 1 March 2007