SKITTLERS - Chappers blog
Chappers Blog 18/01/07

Tonight sees us playing at The Pickety Witch. AC tomcats are one of the few teams we have beaten this year so a good chance to do the double and get into winning ways and avoid relegation. Text traffic has been slow today with only Bod asking for the night of to recover from managing to get to the game before his 1st go last week and Dex still offering a little love. I offer lifts and tell Dex I want him to ‘gimme all his lovin all his hugs and kisses to’. 

The pub has been pleasingly restored to some former glory since our last visit many moons ago and it is actually quite nice inside. Other people seem to have discovered this, as it is surprisingly busy for a Thursday. A pint of Fireside ale keeps Clarky happy as does the Fosters for Dex. I am half way through my January liver holiday so after last weeks bottom exploits avoid the Appletise and decide to work my way across the top of the chiller cabinet of novelty soft drinks and start with a curiosity cola. Rob arrives from his new home in the sticks so sticks to the OJ. He wants to play off tonight, as he hasn’t finished christening every room in the manor house. The likely lad removal team of Coll & Big H also turn up full of stories of who did what last weekend. The three of them argue over who broke what and Coll confesses he managed to saw Robs workbench in half. Rob wouldn’t let Coll have his second dump of the day in his new loo and Hyder had to resort to using Morrision’s facilities. He apparently knocked on an occupied cubicle and asked the user how long they would be before deciding on using the disabled bog for urgency. The suggestion was that he just preferred the wider doors. Conversation moves to top Ikea tips and Coll’s special moves to obtain maximum eatage. We have plenty of time to talk as the opposition arrive just before we look to claim the game.

Now the alley at the Pickety is outside and quite a hike down so dangerous steps. Due to this factor it is decided to play the game in a 2,2,2 format rather than 1,2,2,1 which is a bit odd but nobody complains. The interior of the alley is also odd. A painted picture of a witch glares at you from the end of the alley. The Pins have been varnished so much they are dark and camouflaged against the backdrop. Seating that looks like it was stolen from the skip of a nightclub refurbishment swallows the entire side of the alley and there are various musical instruments scattered around. We are not off to a good start as none of the first 4 manages to hit with the first ball and the balls are doing odd things. Gra is the first to use his first ball and coincidentally it didn’t touch the alley on the way down. Dex is unfazed by the bad hoodoo and shows us the alley can work if you are pro enough to handle it. We go to leave the alley then remember its time for another hand already. Coll is trying harder and raises his 5 to a 6, I plummet from an 8 to a 2 and Clarky finishes the top half with an 8. Rob is on next but before he can move to the alley he lets go of the most enormous guff. Shock news hold the front page Rob has done his first fart in public in 35 years. Hyder is shocked and says he is gonna tell aunty Jean. Rob has this incredulous look on his face like he can’t believe what just happened. Perhaps he thought he was gonna do a quiet one and get away with it. Coll just wets himself. Rob manages to skittle on gathering what dignity he can. Big H is on the alley and I think the shock of the fart has been too much for him as he thinks he is having a heart attack. He blames white bread and indigestion then complains at our general lack of sympathy. Neil finishes off with more consistency and we haven’t hit that much. We are a bit low but as we are 1st on can’t gauge the alley as to how we have done. We are just leaving when their sticker up calls us down to inspect the alley. Nice of him to leave it till after the 2nd hand to point out we are playing on the most uneven alley in the world. There is an cliff parallel to the front pin, a half pipe on the side of the alley that any skate park would be happy to possess and an adverse camber on the far side that needs the highways agency to sign post. No wonder the balls have been doing such odd things. Feeling shocked we go back to the bar to moan about it.

I have Mandarin and orange and a Dandelion & Burrdock whilst we play chase the ace. The ladies dart team tempt us to buy raffle tickets to win Tampax, Bath salts or a hairbrush kit. Hyder takes some stick about his newest cardi. It’s another beige affair that he picked up in Carpetright. Much conversation that cant be blogged to protect the innocent but I found out where my Gary was and who owns their fair share of nine-volt batteries. Hyder is off to see Mary Poppins at the weekend and he is pleased as the theatre is in the gayest part of London. He practices mincing on his way back to the alley so that he doesn’t look out of place. Who could tell in those shoes and that cardi.

We are 3 up. Coll fesses up that it was actually him that farted not Rob and the universe takes a huge lurch back into position. Now that the space-time continueum has been rebalanced we play better. Coll gets a spare. I manage better but still win the scratchings due to my second hand 2. Clarky manages the oddest nine ever due to the alley surface pushing a ball that was going wide smack bang onto the front pin and Dex goes spare crazy again. Rob plays off and leaves us at 10.02 and Hyder gives us a demo of what he’s going home for. O lucky Vicky if those are his best moves. He is still registering high on the Gaydar and offers kisses to anyone. He then gets the tambourine and drum sticks out and starts a round of name that tune that all sounds the same and can only be guessed by his big clue humming.

Back in the bar for brag and the darts draw. I’m on traditional lemonade now. The opposition don’t take as long as us probably cause they don’t muck around as much as we do. The draw hasn’t finished and I leave my tickets on the table for the Tomcats to watch. 

We are still up and its looking good. A monster 5th hand with Dex again in the spare club seems to have won us the match. Coll hits 44, me and Big H tie on 38 for a possible droppage play off, Clarky 43, Rob left us on 40 and Dex tops the 50 for the money.

Back to the bar to finish the brag and await the outcome of the game. I have been lucky with my draw tickets and won the lilac hairbrush and comb set. Hyder takes it off my hands, as I have no use for it. He says it’s for his girls but after his explosion of femininity tonight who knows? We polish of egg sandwiches, which I down with Ginger Beer as the Tomcats come in and advise we have finally got a victory. We give marine style 3 cheers to the losers, which is probably the only manly thing Big H did all night. The relegation come back battle is on. Bring on the Jacket Spuds next week. Roar.


Next Match:
Thurs 25th Jan  -  Home to Jacket Spuds - League

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Thursday, 18 January 2007
Chappers Mind - Blog 18-01-07