SKITTLERS - Chappers blog
 Chappers Blog 9/11/06

Life in the fast lane this week sees me down at the Manor with a bunch of dull solicitors and accountants making smaller than small talk. I know the time is getting on and Captain Cabbie will be at mine at 8.40. How do I discreetly look at my watch without alerting the chap who is mid flow monotone monologue that I’m clock watching? (8.20) More worryingly how am I going to escape when it looks like this event’s heading for an all nighter. (8.25) I casually go to pretend to refill my buffet plate, which just happens to be nearer the door. (8.27). I’m making my move for the door (8.28). I’m blocked by another banker who wants to talk (8.29). I confess I am doing a runner and luckily he is looking for an escape route too so we casually saunter out the door of the function room as if in deep conversation then both peg it like the wind out the front door. (8.30). Believe it or not and yes some people would pay to see it, I actually run to the car park.(8.35). Drive baby drive, roundabouts clear, lights are in my favour and I’m home( 8.38). No sign of my lift so in the door, call to my lady as I take the steps 3 at a time undressing as I go. Jeans and top on as I bound back down the stairs just as the horn toots outside. Now that’s what I call time management.(8.40)

We are all aboard the Steve mobile, bar Hyder who is at work doing the Sun crossword. Tonight we return to League headquarters to play the Stoke Rangers. Top alley which is the widest alley we ever play on. The alley is in the side of a function room and has a generous girth to it that can be a little daunting to the uninitiated as working out where to stand can be tricky. We make good time and soon we are armed with Green King IPA, Guiness, Fosters, OJ for Captain Bond and a Coke. 

Toss up puts us on first and we head to the alley feeling confident. Coll’s on first and though he skittles steadily (8) after every ball he mutters for forksake, either those baggy cargoes are getting in the way or his wonky arm is giving him jip. Captain is keen, that keen in fact that he is up and skittling (7). Nothing wrong with that other than it should be me on the alley. I don’t kick up just let him get on with it ensuring I have material to bug him with for the entire evening. I eventually move to the alley. Now in my opinion there is only one way to play an alley like Stoke and that’s straight up the middle. Get down nice and low and put some hair on the bugger.8 will do. Bod in full length trousers for a change glimmers in Green (the new black tonight) spins it Hyder stylie for 7. Rob moves to the alley and is just about to throw when he has to stop to scratch an itch on his ankle. Apparently his pubic lice have free range due to his complete full body hair suit that encompasses him head to foot. After much amusement he skittles well but misses his spare chance. (8). Dex finishes off a consistent hand just as Hyder texts everyone and the alley is awash with bleeping from phones and bleeping from out mouths as we ‘welcome’ his contribution.

Out to the bar for beer. It’s turning into quite a surreal evening as we are having a competition to see who saw the best worst act live. I thought I had a winner with the Baron Knights but Brit saw the Black and White Minstrels and Tommy Steele which seemed to be the winner. 

Out in the alley for our 1st double hander and we are down already. Bugger. Still spirits are high and we sing the odd snatch of what we think is Tommy Steele. Rob & Me do some ‘million miles for one of your smiles mammie’ stuff. Bod is just feeling the love towards Neil after blagging his free bonfire nite tickets so gives him a good snog and ear licking. Tom the sticker is playing ping pong or table tennis (only Coll seems to know the difference) I get my £5 managers of the month award delivered from Bod after I beat him by one point in the fantasy league. There is much farting and complaining about oily smells and during it all we manage two improved hands including a spare from me. To be honest when I threw my first ball I thought I had screwed it but it just seem to clip the front right and wallop.

Back to the bar for beers & chase the ace. Rob & Bod have to spoof first for scratchings and Bod loses. I also make him my bitch and get the beers in for me at the same time. From the bar Dex is taking promo pictures and Rob & Me get mistaken for doing Jazz hands rather than Minstrel waves. Once we have clarified the difference we give one of each each. I make it to the final of the cards but Neil does the dirty on me by turning a king and that’s that. The Merriot boys are playing on the bottom alley tonight and they have seen the web site. They are pleased their fodder was voted best so far. Steve advises he won’t be eating faggots again though as Clare woke him at 4 in the morning last week and told him to sleep in the car as his ass was that bad. I’m still crying from that as we head back out to the alley.

We have faired better so need to keep up the good hands. Again there is much frivolity. Bod slopes of to take photos of Hand dryers and an industrial floor polisher. Dex takes photos of the alley art after liberally spreading L & P cards everywhere. In a new twisted development Rob is doing videos on his phone. His first one was an attempt to prove to Coll that he does swear for forksake after every throw. Sadly I didn’t realise he was filming as I danced my best follow the bear Hoffmiester moves to the alley. I always was a good mover and to see the pleasure & laughter everyone got watching it back just proved it. A good night being had but the spares just kept going amiss. Only mid 40 hands this time so back to the bar again.

Huge plates of sausages and chips have arrived for the other game playing so we must be slow. Stoke Rangers don’t hang about though and we are soon back on for the last hand. The opposition went large on the last two hands so we have our work cut out.More chances not taken myself included. I could’ve had the tote but for wasting my last two balls. And have to be content with joint top with Neil. There are some otherwise low scores on the board so did my average position the world of good tonight. Another loss looks likely so back to the bar. The biggest plate of sausages bread cheese & chips is waiting. This is the first time tonight we wish Hyder was with us as he would have helped us clean the plates. As it is even with good efforts from all the bowl is still half full as we call three cheers to the winners. Tom gives us all blue tooth lessons and zaps us a belching ring tone. Childish as it is, it is enough to keep Bod & Me amused all the way home. I’m dropped off virtually last (11.40) having laughed for most of the past 3 hours. Good night.
Thursday, 9 November 2006
Chappers Mind - Blog 09-11-06